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1. The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will turn into Bruce Lee when up against you.
2. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
3. You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
4. The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
5. The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
6. If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
7. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
8. After years of training without injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

Martial Arts Terms:
Aikido: A martial art, which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi properly, in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.

Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filipino martial art, also known as Eskrima and Kali, centering on stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of the arts name guarantees a quick demonstration of the art itself.

Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt. Not to be confused with “Darn” a term used by the wearer of a Dan when they realize that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.

Hapkido: Think of it as “origami with people”.

Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu: A lot like judo expect that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult??

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas.

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tae Kwon Do: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai Chi Chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawbacks being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

You might be a martial artist if....

1. You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
2. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
3. You answer your boss Ussss.
4. You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position after grace at the dinner table.
5. You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
6. You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
7. Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you.
8. When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons

Here are some sign that you have been on the martial arts path a little too long:

1. When you are being thrown, you shout, "Wahoo!"
2. You laugh when you are hit in the head.
3. When leaving your orthopedist's office after your final treatment, she says, "See you next time."
4. You try to teach your pet to bow to you.
5. You look at everyone as a potential attacker, especially the grandmothers (You know, expect the unexpected).

Tai Chi:
"The idea of Tai Chi is to yield to your opponent's attack. In most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity."

I once described Tai Chi to a fellow classmate as being “just like standing still…..only faster.